MAN REGRETS MATE-SWAPPING EPISODE
Dear Dr. Judith:
My
wife and I were at a party the other night. There
was a lot of drinking and my wife and I became involved in a fivesome.
Since
then, our sex life has not been the same. I
feel like she is comparing me with other men.
"You
blew it big time. To make matters worse, your
choice to blame alcohol for your extremely poor judgement and disloyal behavior makes it
that much more difficult to face the real problems in your marital relationship.
"Although
your insecurities about your sexual prowess barely seem punishment enough for such
stupidity, I will tell you this . . . the voice that you are hearing in your head that
suggests that you are not as good as the other men, is not that of your wife, but rather
your own.
"Perhaps
it is high time that you and your wife participate in marriage counseling and start to
face your issues honestly. Best of
luck."
The incredible intimacy of sexual
love is meant to be shared between one man and one woman. There are many reasons for
this that affect us both physically and psychologically. By getting involved in a
"fivesome," you violated the precious bond of exclusivity and oneness that all
too often couples respect only after they are lost.
If you both recognize that what you
did was wrong, begin by apologizing to one another for your lack of mutual respect, sound
judgment and foundational morality. Determine that you will never again invite a
third party into your sex lives. Renew your relationship with a new heart-felt,
older-and-wiser commitment to each other.
Some people are able to exercise
moderation and self-control in their drinking. This doesn't appear to be the case
with either of you. Because you believe your judgement was greatly impaired by your
drinking, you may want to limit or abstain from alcohol consumption in the future.
For the sake of your marriage, you'd
both be wise to keep your distance from the other members of the "fivesome" - as
well as from anyone else who approves of, or engages in mate-swapping. Even if they
are former close friends of yours, face it: Your marriage can't afford friends like
that.
Will these significant changes be
hard to implement? Absolutely. But at least they will indicate that you may
have actually salvaged something from your disastrous experience. You can't go back
and change what happened that night, but you certainly don't have to make the same series
of mistakes that led up to it the first time.
Finally, consider renewing your
wedding vows. Many churches offer vow renewal ceremonies around Valentine's Day.
Sometimes these are public affairs, with dozens of couples participating
simultaneously. At other times, they are private ceremonies, with only a few close
friends present - or even just the couple and the minister.
The most important thing to
remember, however, is this: From now on, keep the vows you make.
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